It’s that time of the week again (not that these have been put up in any order but you know). This time I’ve ordered the Overs. The Overs are a weird category; they’re probably the most consistent category yet the most lacking in star quality. It often feels like the category is filled with Week 3 fodder, but still.
Also, in other X Factor news, they’re going to three nights a week, which is pretty silly given that one of the reasons I think it has lost ratings is because it is on too much. GO BACK TO ONE NIGHT A WEEK UNTIL THE LIVES SIMON (!!!).
35. Daniel Evans
If there’s one thing I begrudge The X Factor for, it’s thrusting glorified wedding singers on us. Daniel Evans was the worst glorified wedding singer. So he has to be last.
34. Steve Brookstein
Steve Brookstein (much like James Arthur) hates the X Factor, which is basically a criminal offence. Plus he wasn’t very good (#justice4CassieCompton).
33. Jonjo Kerr
Every man Jonjo Kerr is one of the only X Factor overs to not fall in either the ‘can sing really well’ or ‘lolz’ categories. Kudos for that but he can’t really sing and looks uncomfortable.
32. Verity Keays
There’s nothing wrong with Verity, but then we are entering a 15 person MOR slump and Verity doesn’t have a particularly strong voice (too much vibrato if you ask me). BIG REVELATION: according to the YouTube comments on the above video, Verity is related to power-strut hero Ella Henderson.
31. Christopher Maloney
Yes, Christopher Maloney was terrible, but the amazing staging of his performance of ‘Total Eclipse Of The Heart’ makes up for a multitude of sins.
30. John Adeleye
John was only really there to make up the numbers. I did walk past him in London once so there’s that.
29. Storm Lee
Storm Lee falls into another X Factor Overs category: the ‘we’ve tried so hard to get this for twenty years and it never worked so I’ll do anything you want’ club. It’s one that Raign from this year will fall into, and she does the whole ‘desperation’ thing better.
28. Daniel De Bourg
There aren’t any videos of him on the show on YouTube. There aren’t even any topless pictures. Because I can’t remember him either, let’s put him in here.
Call me Gary Barlow but I didn’t particularly like Chico’s brand of ‘fun’. Saying that, the background to his performance of ‘It’s Chico Time’ is even more ‘creepy yet brilliant’ than that of Christopher Maloney.
26. Andy Abraham
We’re knee-deep in MOR at this point, and Andy Abraham is a shining example. Good voice, very little natural stage presence but good back story (he’s a binman, remember?).
25. Shelley Smith
I know they had to turn Shelley into a joke act because she would’ve been too similar to Sam Bailey, but still she shouldn’t really have been put through in the first place (three female ‘divas’ – cruise ship singers – is a recipe for disaster).
24. Johnny Robinson
Johnny would make an amazing drag queen.
23. Kerry McGreggor
RITMOR (right in the middle of the road).
22. Robert Allen
My favourite thing is that Robert describes losing his Dad yet becoming a Dad himself as ‘pros’ and ‘cons’. Like did the pros outweigh the cons and did Robert stop being Robert? Will we ever know?
21. Dionne Mitchell
Does Dionne Mitchell have the most awkward wind tunnel of all time. Pleasant enough, but it’s all a bit too wedding for the show. If you did want to book Dionne, she has ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’ in her repertoire.
20. Danyl Johnson
A precursor to Jahmene Douglas, Danyl probably should have focussed on making his tone better as opposed to trying to hit as many notes as possible.
19. Sami Brookes
This performance is amazing, and should be the blueprint for every cruise ship female. It’s a shame the rest aren’t quite so inspired. Shoutout to her pink eyeshadow/beret combination.
18. Beverley Trotman
Great voice, but Beverley could do with some more stage presence. See Sam Bailey doing ‘New York’ for a perfect example.
17. Ben Mills
This is amazing, but it can’t be any higher because he describes himself as ‘incredible’. Plus Ben described doing the show as a ‘last resort’.
Wagner is awful, but at least he’s a bit more interesting than 90% of people on this list. Plus his put down with Cheryl is still hilarious.
15. Rowetta Satchell
She’s got two King Charles Cavalier Spaniels. She’s desperate, a bit crazy, and a bit brilliant.
AWFUL ALBUM COVER 1:
14. Lorna Simpson
Yes, she was only there for a week and yes, the topless men may make this better than it actually is, but Lorna has a nicer tone than most of the cruise ship singers.
13. Jamie Archer
Is this one of the best auditions ever? It’s ‘cool’, he can sing well and it’d a bit different. Why did Simon Cowell mess this up? (to be fair it would never work because Jamie, Danyl and Olly had too similar demographics).
12. Brenda Edwards
The last MOR contestant, Brenda had a brilliant voice but didn’t have enough personality to become a superstar. Which is probably why she works so well on the West End.
AWFUL ALBUM COVER 2:
11. Kye Sones
Kye is one of only two male overs to look like viable popstars (ie he’s not a wedding singer). He was much better in Diagram of the Heart though, let’s be honest.
10. Melanie Masson
It’s hard not to love a woman who dresses up as a fairy for a living. Also: GOD BLESS THE POWER SUIT.
9. Carolynne Poole
There are two things that are ‘a shame’ about Carolynne Poole’s X Factor ‘journey’. The first is that she was forced to sing ‘Starships’ in a country-style. Secondly, the edit made her look like a massive diva. She was actually really good though.
8. Nikki Evans
Niki is definitely in the Top 3 best over vocalists. It’s a shame that she entered in Series 4 and was therefore lumbered with corny song choices, but then so was Sam Bailey in Series 10 so who knows?
7. Sam Bailey
Sam Bailey has an incredible voice, but unlike the other overs, she has some star quality. This performance in particular is up there with the best ever. Plus, JAM TART WEDNESDAYS!
AWFUL ALBUM COVER 3:
6. Mary Byrne
Another one of the show’s best performances. Much the same as Sam Bailey, Mary has some performance quality that sets her apart from every other female over. What a woman.
AWFUL ALBUM COVER 4:
5. Rachel Hylton
How dare Simon call ‘With Every Heartbeat’ a ‘hideous, cheap piece of rubbish’. I loved this song choice, and Rachel actually sounds really good on it. Also, THE POWER SUIT STRIKES AGAIN.
4. Olly Murs
Olly Murs is the only over that looks and sounds like a viable over. The British Samantha Jade, if you will. Also, he has by far the best X Factor male post-show material, right?
3. Ruth Lorenzo
I never fully loved Ruth Lorenzo during her series because Alexandra Burke, but her take on ‘Purple Rain’ is undeniably one of the show’s best performances. We do have her to blame for ‘Purple Rain’ being wheeled out every year, but she has one hell of a voice.
2. Maria Lawson
MARIA LAWSON WAS ROBBED. She should have walked Series 2. She has the best voice out of anyone on the early days of the show, plus she had more stage presence than most of the divas. Also, she was knocked out by The Conway Sisters. THE FUCKING CONWAY SISTERS. Life.
1. Kitty Brucknell
Kitty is EVERYTHING. Show me an X Factor contestant that gives it more energy, conviction and borderline desperation and I will tell you that you’re wrong. She wasn’t a joke act, and she was amazing. Plus, her PledgeMusic campaign is one of the best things to happen ever. Imagine paying £50 for Kitty to turn up at your office. WHAT A WOMAN.