The X Factor live shows start this week, which means we’re on the slippery slope to Christmas. We now know who’s going to be singing every week, so to celebrate, here are the finalists ranked by how inspirational their inspirational quotes are. Because this years crop fucking love an inspiration quote.
12. Only The Young
Only The Young don’t actually have an inspirational quote. Instead, they use their Twitter to retweet compliments about themselves. So they get a sadface. Actually, it’s more disappointed than sad.
11. Jay James
This is the actual, word-for-word quote. I didn’t have Jay down as a fellow typeface connoisseur, but perhaps he is. Although, if he was a true font fan, he would know that for real impact, you need to use ‘Impact’.
10. Ben Haenow
Much like Only The Young, Ben Haenow isn’t much of an inspirational quote man, and this is literally the only thing remotely inspirational on his Instagram. The elephant in the room here though is how long will Ben continue to live the dream. Will he still be living the dream when he’s forced to sing in front of contemporary dance. Will he still be living the dream when he has to sing Britney? (that is the dream, tbh). Will he still be living the dream when he’s knocked out on Week 3 to Blonde Electra?
9. Fleur East
Fleur’s Twitter bio is nice in the ‘actions speak louder than words’-type fashion, but it is wrong. A recent study by your friend and ours Ravi Mehta has revealed that some level of background noise helps people be creative. Which means that successes can’t be your noise if you don’t have noise whilst working hard.
8. Paul Akister
Paul, does it really matter if your dreams do not scare you? What if your dream is to have a small dog with a good temperament and good toilet training? What if your dream is to have a house filled with scatter cushions and woolen throws? Answer me that, Paul
7. Steph Nala
Steph Nala is on a ‘Demi Lovato’ with this quote. She probably dreams of helping the youth and singing self-empowerment songs. This quote is overwrought and the ‘kiss/heart’ combo is unforgivable. Can we buy into a popstar who clearly dots her ‘i’s’ with a love-heart? No (she could actually be quite good though).
6. The Bizarre Boyband
The number one problem with this X Factor boyband is obviously that there were just too many potential quotes to use here. Naturally, I went for the fittest member, and thus appeared this beauty from Casey. To be completely honest, this quote is about as generic as they come, but it was printed on a mug. Now that’s dedication to the inspirational quote genre.
5. Jake Quickenden
Ok, so technically speaking, “smiling and acting like nothing is wrong” is actually called putting on a front. But still, Jake seemingly has been through actual hard times, as opposed to other contestants who are sad because they have a job. I imagine it’s something that Jake would probably get tattooed on himself (probably a bicep).
4. Lauren Platt
Does anyone fancy a story? Oh, go on then, I hear you cry. I started writing this blog this morning, and time ran away with me. In my haste to get changed, I committed two fashion sins. The first being that I wore four clashing prints. The second is that I wore blue and green in one outfit. I thought: “oh shit, what if I get judged?”. I then remembered this quote from Lauren and went anyway. So it actually works. Well done Lauren.
3. Chloe Jasmine
I don’t know what everyone else lives for, but at the moment, I live for Break Free by Ariana Grande. ‘Break Free’ is written in G Major, the average male voice is apparently around G too, but lower. Therefore, ‘Break Free’ is higher than me. ‘Break Free’ has sold 1,050,000 copies in America, and there are a hundred copies of my school CD. Thus, ‘Break Free’ is bigger than me. Obviously, ‘Break Free’ is better than me too. Chloe Jasmine is correct, you should live for something higher, bigger and better than you.
2. Blonde Electra
This technically isn’t a Blonde Electra quote, but they have acknowledged one of the best pop songs of the decade so deserve a high-ranking. I’ve been thinking a lot today about how perfect Blonde Electra would be if they were an Icona Pop rip-off. Imagine if on Motown Week they did a horns and whistles version of ‘All Night’. Imagine if, on Gangster-Rap Week, they did ‘Girlfriend’. Also, the long-haired one has an amazing bomber jacket.
1. Andrea Faustini
Not only is Andrea the best contestant in this years show, he also is a massive Beyoncé stan. Can you fault a man with a massive voice who also loves Beyoncé? Add in the beard plus the Mel B doll and I’m going to call it now: Andrea Faustini is the best X Factor contestant of all time.