I’m watching a music channel for an hour and liveblogging the whole thing. Why? Aside from wanting to do something ‘live’, I fucking love a music video. Will this become a thing that I do every Saturday at 2pm in the afternoon? Ask me in an hour.
I’m watching The Box, btw, as I think they have the finest selection (BUY ‘FINEST SELECTION ON ITUNES!!!!!11111)
Here’s a 10/10 music video to whet your appetite:
14:00 Calvin Harris – ‘Outside’ (Feat. Ellie Goulding)
Ellie Goulding and Calvin Harris are having a bit of a barney with their respective partners. There are motorbikes floating. Ellie Goulding has great eye make-up. She spend most of the video kneeling on a driveway, which I once did to stop a criminal driving off. “IF YOU LEAVE YOU’RE GOING TO KILL ME”. My mum told me to move.
14:02 Mark Ronson – Uptown Funk (feat. Bruno Mars)
Is there a more ridiculous pop image than Bruno Mars in curlers. No. Nice pink blazer. This video is set in the streets of New York, and it’s a 5/10 compared to ‘Higher’ by The Saturdays. It’s nice to know the bar in the ‘Hot N Cold’ video is still in business.
14:07 Taylor Swift – ‘Blank Space’
The moment when Taylor Swift became unstoppable. The fashion in this video is on point (I particularly like the wedding dress (it’s very Keira Knightly, no?). My internet cut out half way through this video (ugh), which means that I missed the part when she stood on a horse. Here’s an image of a popstar on a horse:
14:12 Ed Sheeran – ‘Thinking Out Loud’
As much as I dislike this song (I FUCKING HATE IT), it’s quite nice to see someone who thinks they’re credible and authentic doing an unironic dance routine. The whole video is a bit dull though. Darcey would love it, but Bruno would remain in his seat. Len would probably give it a seven. Craig would rightly slag it off.
14:21 Jessie J – ‘Burnin’ Up’ (feat. 2 Chainz)
The aspect ration on this video is terrible. It’s giving me Girls Aloud ‘Out Of Control’ album cover vibes, but they were at the point where they didn’t really give a shit. Jessie J should really give a shit. This video is serviceable: she has a popstar ‘aura’, her hair looks nice and the lighting is quite nice. Props for the Sugababes ‘Too Lost In You’ bit though.
14:24 David Guetta – ‘Dangerous’ (feat. Sam Martin)
This is the first time I’ve seen this video. David Guetta plays a racing driver, who only hires thin, latin-looking female engineers. I really don’t like their relaxed attitude to protective clothing. It’s it really safe to do engineering in a wedge trainer? What if a chemical burns your stomach because you’re wearing a crop top. Ugh.
14:28 Clean Bandit & Jess Glynne – ‘Real Love’
The band stand in a recording studio singing the song, and then stand there and sing the song at a gig. Some people snog. If this video was an album, it would be the Platinum Edition of Beyonce (I love this song though).
14:36 Band Aid 30 – ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’
It’s interesting that they cut the Ebola images out of this. I know it’s a Saturday afternoon, but it’s sort of the point of the whole thing. The video itself is not actually that different to the Clean Bandit one. At least her we get Rita Ora with great hair and a great suit.
14:40 Take That – ‘These Days’
Going back to the Mark Ronson/Bruno Mars video, it’s very effortlessly cool. On the other end of the spectrum, here’s the new Take That video. It feels like it was thought up in a record label meeting, in the hope that it would go viral. It obviously hasn’t, and so feels a bit try-hard. Cocknbullkid did it better with ‘Yellow’, too:
I hope the Karen Harding song is on in the next thirteen minutes.
14:48 Sigma – ‘Changing’ (feat. Paloma Faith)
There may as well be three shots in this video: Paloma Faith driving around, Paloma Faith dancing in front of some graffiti and Paloma Faith sitting on a car. The look is very Fergie ‘LA Love’.
14:51 Alesso – ‘Heroes’ (feat. Tove Lo)
Grungey X Men. I would rather watch Tove Lo dancing around in her strip light room because 1) strip lights and 2) Tove Lo is in the top five best popstars on the planet right now. She completely owns this video, which is nice given that the ‘Not On Drugs’ video is very meh.
14:55 One Direction – ‘Steal My Girl’
It’s like Take That watched this video and said “I’ll have some of that please.” PLAY ‘NIGHT CHANGES’ FGS.
14:58 Neon Jungle – ‘Can’t Stop The Love’ (feat. Snob Scrilla)
If Instagram had a record label, their first signing would be Neon Jungle and the first single would be ‘Can’t Stop The Love’. Obviously made ‘on the cheap’, but it’s quite nice I guess. I particularly like the bit where Blonde Jungle is wandering around some scaffolding. V Pussycat Dolls ‘When I Grow Up’.
THE BEST ONE:
I think if you played each one of these videos to an alien and asked them to guess who the biggest popstar was, they would say ‘Tove Lo’. It might just be the way it’s shot (it looks very expensive) but she has an aura in this video. Plus I like her feather earing a lot (it’s very ‘Your Love’-Scherzy).