What’s going to knock ‘Uptown Funk’ off Number 1 then?

‘ICYMI’, ‘Uptown Funk’ is still Number 1. Why? Because it’s a pop song of Goliath proportions that deserves to be Number 1 for a very long time. But what’s going to be next? Well:

Next Week (26 January)

Alle Farben feat. Graham Candy – ‘She Moves (Far Away)’
Bipolar Sunshine – ‘Daydreamer’
Cashtastic – ‘808’
Denise Pearson – ‘Here I Am’
Emmy The Great – ‘S’
Fergie – ‘L.A. Love (La La)’
Hannah Wants & Chris Lorenzo – ‘Rhymes’
Iggy Azalea – ‘Beg For It’
Karen Harding – ‘Say Something’
Luvbug – ‘Revive’
Moxie Kicks – ‘Soul For You’
Selena Gomez – ‘The Heart Wants What It Wants’
Slam Dunk’d feat Chromeo & Al-P – ‘No Price’
Zeds Dead ft. Twin Shadow & D’Angelo Lacy – ‘Lost You’

Selena Gomez’s ‘The Hearts Wants What It Wants’ could do quite well this week. It was in the Top 50 on iTunes a while ago, which I don’t understand because who knew you could pre-order something from an album? The song is excellent though (the middle-8 is particularly great), and it’s had quite a lot of airplay. Here’s the thing though: you can buy the song already on Amazon. Who uses Amazon do download music though? (Me – there’s some good free stuff on there rn btw). It sounds like a Number 8, but who knows?

The only real chance this week is Fergie. Although ‘L.A. Love’ is the most basic of basic bops, it has an odd charm to it (it almost has a early-noughties Black Eyed Peas thing going on). It’s doing consistently well on pre-orders, but not quite as well as Meghan Trainor was a week ago, who is still stuck behind ‘Uptown Funk’ . It’s unlikely (it doesn’t even sound like a hit) but hey, if we had to pick someone, Fergie seems like a nice enough lady to get it.

Hozier could keep climbing this week too, and end up at Number 1. It does feel a bit like a ‘#3 until December’ though, doesn’t it (see also: ‘All Of Me’, ‘Budapest’).

The Week After Next (February 2)

AronChupa – ‘I’m An Albatraoz’
Bear’s Den – ‘Think Of England’
Chocolate Puma ft. Kris Kiss, Shystie & Roya – ‘Step Back (Get Down)’
Fences feat. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – ‘Arrows’
Kodaline – ‘Honest’
Mike Mago & Dragonette – ‘Outlines’
Nick Jonas – ‘Chains’
Peking Duk feat Nicole Millar – ‘High’
Sam & The Womp vs Zymer – ‘Zeppelin’
Shystie feat. Jalissa – ‘Let Me Go’

The Nick Jonas song is quite nice but it’s not ‘Jealous (feat Tinashe)’ and nor is it ‘Uptown Funk’.

‘I’m An Albatraoz’ by Aronchupa is shit, but it has done quite well around Europe. It doesn’t quite work in the same way as ‘We No Speak Americano’ or ‘Loca People’, in the sense that it’s quite annoying even on the first play. Fortunately, The Hits is the only thing playing it.

The Week After The Week After Next (February 9)

Bakermat – ‘Teach Me’
Charli XCX ft. Rita Ora – ‘Doing It’
Chris Brown ft. Tyga – ‘AYO’
DJ Fresh feat. Ella Eyre – ‘Gravity’
Imagine Dragons – ‘I Bet My Life’
IYES – ‘Glow’
Le Youth – ‘R E A L’
Little Kingdom – ‘Yesteryear’
Ne-Yo – ‘Coming With You’
Sheppard – ‘Geronimo’

Two of the songs out this week sound like they were made in the ‘Number 1’ hit factory. The first is ‘Gravity’ by DJ Fresh and Ella Eyre. As good as the song is (so not great), it feels so redundant because it is ‘Waiting All Night’ and ‘Changing’. Buy either of those: they’re better. Airplay isn’t great though, and it’s not in the Top 200 on iTunes, which isn’t great. Popstars, use this as a lesson: don’t play it safe.

(WARNING: this video includes some atrocious camera work)

The other song that sounds like a Number 1 is ‘Doing It’ by Charli XCX and Rita Ora. It has all the requirements of a Number 1:

1) Good chorus

2) A feature with someone bigger than the main artist

3) A great video [well, it looks good]

4) Great hair

It’s hard to tell how well this is going to do because the pre-order hasn’t been on iTunes yet. Should probably come out a few weeks later so that it has more time to build momentum but hey, I want a copy of ‘Sucker’ so…

The Week After That (February 16)

The Avener – ‘Fade Out Lines’
Axwell Λ Ingrosso – ‘Something New’
Donae’o ft. Lumidee & D Double E – ‘I Want Your Love’
Ellie Goulding – ‘Love Me Like You Do’
Jess Mattic – ‘Sweet Harmony’
Mr. Probz – ‘Nothing Really Matters’
Wulf – ‘Lairs’

If it hasn’t been knocked off already (it will have been nine weeks), ‘Uptown Funk’ will almost certainly be dethroned by Ellie Goulding’s ‘Love Me Like You Do’. Not only is it an incredible song (thanks to Max Martin and Tove Lo), it has the benefit of Fifty Shades Of Grey coming out a day earlier. This feels like it’s poised and ready to smash (it hasn’t left the iTunes chart since the pre-order was put up), and it’s her best in a while so yeah.

The Week After That (February 23)

Becky G – ‘Can’t Stop Dancin”
David Guetta ft. Emeli Sande – ‘What I Did For Love’
Disciples – ‘They Don’t Know’
Dimitri Vegas, MOGUAI & Like Mike feat Julian Perretta – ‘Body Talk (Mammoth)’
Gotsome ft. Wiley – ‘Vibe Out’
Madonna – ‘Living For Love’
Movie – ‘Tusk Vegas’
The Veronicas – ‘If You Love Someone’

Let’s all buy that Becky G song and get it to Number 1. It’s fucking amazing:

Fucking amazing.

Aside from that, it’s the Brit Awards this week, meaning that it’s time for Taylor Swift to finally get a Number 1 from ‘1989’. ‘Style’ is the best song from the best album of last year, and it is also the best single of 2015. It’ll go to Number 1 this week, with ‘King’ by Years & Years taking it on March 1 and GRL getting it the week after with ‘Lighthouse’ (well we can pray). Swifty will then regain the chart until August.

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