Reality TV has been dominated this year by mediocre white men, but fortunately there have been lots of incredible people involved too. Some of them are new to this, whereas others are masters of drama. Here is an extensive list of all the people I have enjoyed watching this year. In the true spirit of reality TV, the results are in no particular order.
ps. I don’t watch Bake Off unless a Spice Girl is on it.
pps. The Voice was rubbish this year.
ppps. Nicole Scherzinger would have been here if she didn’t make so many Brexit-esque comments.
Iggy Azalea (The X Factor Australia)
- Telling one member of the boyband she was mentoring that getting eliminated was a “blessing” as it meant he could go solo.
Sada Vidoo (The X Factor)
- “I don’t work at the moment because I am a doll.”
- Her audition was the best of the series and was far too good to warrant being a joke act.
Aleksandra King (The Apprentice)
- Quitting The Apprentice mid-task and then exiting in the above fashion.
Samantha Fox (Celebrity Big Brother)
- Kicking off about being nominated and then saying that the British public love her so much they call her as “Our Sam”. The thing is, there’s a Facebook fan page called Our Sam, and it pre-dates the series.
Tiny Tony The Shetland Pony (Celebrity Big Brother)
- Making Gemma Collins run in heels.
- The blow dry.
Karren Brady (The Apprentice)
Best moments (well she was a treat all series but the best quotes):
- “You also sang, didn’t you Dillon? It’s not as bad as it sounds – it was actually much worse”
- “You enjoyed that, didn’t you girls?”
- Jessica: “Most people order now over the phone”. Karren: “Really…”
Charlie Doherty (Big Brother)
- “You have had my back – unlike that little bastard who did not have my back. My God you’ve done yourself some damage darlin’. You did not have my back, you nominated me and you bareface lied to me when we had that conversation with you, I and Chelsea in the kitchen. You said that you thought I was wrong – I was not wrong and you did nominate me. You made my life hell – everyone has seen it Jason. Your true colours are showing and I don’t have to do anything. You give yourself enough rope and you’re can hang yourself with it – and you have darlin’. You ruined my experience and you knew damn well what you were doing. You’re very manipulative and calculated. But it’s fine cos you just lost me forever – you’ll never see me for dust.”
Stephanie Pratt (Made In Chelsea)
- Her dedication to finding some good dick in Chelsea.
Alana Spencer (The Apprentice)
- Being a nervous wreck at the start of the series and always getting shut down by the other candidates but still winning the whole thing.
- When Karthik forgot her name (also a low moment considering it was half way through the series).
Saira Khan (Celebrity Big Brother)
- The face she pulled during Katie Waissel’s performance (this was all of us too).
- Being generally patronising (side-note: I just watched her series of The Apprentice and she is now my all time favourite contestant).
Claude Littner (The Apprentice)
- His shady faces in the background of shots.
- “Hashtag concerned”
- When he couldn’t work out what Mukai’s (admittedly really shit) window display was meant to be.
Ed Balls (Strictly Come Dancing)
- Ed Balls was just a joy to watch from the start to the finish.
- Re-inventing the double sexcrab during ‘Gangnam Style’.
Malia Arkian (Love Island)
- Doing the limpest pout ever in her VT.
- Getting ejected from the show after just 10 minutes because she shoved one of the other contestants (they accidentally spilled their drink on Malia’s leg).
The mime actors (The Apprentice)
- Pretending to get run over repeatedly in the middle of Waterloo station during the worst PR stunt of all time.
Tiffany Pollard (Celebrity Big Brother)
- “Pretty much I would let Gemma know that she is a fat cunt.”
- “She doesn’t have the vernacular she thinks she possesses.”
- “They were old, maiden-type of shoes.”
- When she thought David Gest had died when it was David Bowie.
- On Jonathan Cheban’s penis: “I don’t know how long he is but he is thick – he’s gonna give you a mouthful.”
- “I’ll be there for him, with open arms and open legs and an open mouth.”
- “When I was hearing the sound of kissing, I was becoming quite moist.”
- All of this:
Bobby Norris (The Only Way Is Essex)
- His narrative arc in the latest series of TOWIE focussed on him conquering all of his phobias. My fave was him on a zip line.
Jessica Cunningham (The Apprentice)
- When she had a conversation with herself about Giin.
- “Use you common sense.”
- The time she turned up to the jean photoshoot without the jeans.
- When she pined after Dillon after he didn’t return to the house.
- Wearing the same green dress throughout the entire series, which is one of her own designs (it’s also only £34.99 in the sale).
Oti Mabuse (Strictly Come Dancing)
- She really is just the best professional, isn’t she?
- Her Samba is the best Strictly dance of all time.
Geri Horner (Celebrity Bake Off)
- When she said that she had never baked before, but like… we’ve all seen her Instagram over the last year.
Gemma Collins (Celebrity Big Brother)
- When she gave Tiffany the old, maiden shoes for her birthday.
- After being told she had to get in the cage, yelling “I’m claustrophobic Darren.”
- Not doing anything for two weeks, and then slicing her finger open after peeling a potato.
- Thinking she was pregnant when she was just bloated.
- “Fuck off Gilliam McKeith.”
- Getting ‘authentication’ confused with ‘altercation’ during nominations.
- When she tried to heal Darren Day’s constipation.
- Everything in this video:
Grace the Mermaid (The Apprentice)
- Turning up to The Apprentice: You’re Fired in her full mermaid outfit.
Laura Carter (Big Brother)
- When Bernardo flew across an ocean to be her treat in a task. They had only met once.
- For giving approximately zero fucks throughout the series.
- Honestly I think she’s my favourite civilian contestant ever.
Saara Aalto (The X Factor)
- Her reaction to getting through every week.
- Defying the odds and getting to the final.
- Her performance of No More Tears remains the best of the series.
Rita Ora (America’s Next Top Model)
- “When I defined my signature look I got my contract with Rimmel London.”
- “You’re only 18, when I was 18 I was working in a shoe shop and now I host America’s Next Top Model.”
- “Do you ever feel over-shadowed by your twin?… So do I with my sister, but we’re not twins.”
- Crying contestant: “my Mum had me at 15 and my Dad has been incarcerated for my whole life. Rita: “I migrated from my country when I was born to London when I was one years old. My country was in the middle of a warzone, and my parents couldn’t speak English. We all have background stories.”
Natalie Hughes (The Apprentice)
- “There you go again patronising people. It’s bullshit, bullshit darlin’.”
- Selling a pair of jugs that were worth £300 for £15.
- Saying ‘fuck’ in the boardroom.
- “I always say: VIP it’s the only way to be. Look VIP, act VIP, be VIP.”
- Her whole audition tape.
- Admitting on You’re Fired that she’s never seen the show before, and then saying that she felt like it was her time to go (she was sacked on the second task).
Jayne Connery (Big Brother)
- Getting hit with a wet sponge, ‘drowning’ in the pool and then getting rescued.
- Returning to the house after going to hospital and saying that the only thing wrong is that her voice was husky (which she thought was “sexy”).
- “Are you on drugs? Are you fucking on drugs?”
- The sheer look of panic on her face when the other housemates said they found a dildo in her suitcase.
- The fact that she uses “lady” like “hun” in arguments.
- “I want some bread, and I want a pot of jam and I want a teabag. If not I won’t be staying.” (I love the fact she says a ‘pot of jam’, as opposed to a jar)
- All of the below: